This is my first “blog”, so don’t be too critical.
I say “blog”, but in all reality, i am not a Blogger. When I think of bloggers, I think of people that have it all together(or can atleast fake it), people that you look up to, people that you want to be like, or people that are in incredible at something like makeup, organization, working out, or married to someone rich or famous.
I am none of those. Not even close, actually. I am thinking of this as an electronic journal that I will laugh at in 20 years with my kids.
A brief background about me for kicks & giggles, I’m Taylor, I am from Hendersonville, Tennessee. I have two children-Addi and Aidyn, and a fiancé-Brandon.
Oh I forgot to mention, my children have different dads... and I’ve never been married... Hence, not your average blogger. Brandon has been in Addilyn's life for over 7 years so she doesn't even remember life without him.
It’s really interesting on sundays at church when I take the kids to their class: Church volunteer-“Last name?” Me- “who’s last name? My last name is Rowe, Addi’s last name is Wheeler, and Brandon & Aidyn’s last name is Reed.” Church volunteer- Blank stare.
I used to let the judgement bother me, but now I dont. Ok—that’s a bold face lie, it still bothers me, but I’m used to it more now. The part that bothers me the most is the face that the tone in people's voices change once they find out my children have different dads. Yep, even in 2018 the judgment is real. Heck, I have judged women without even knowing them, because they have children with different men..who does that when I am in that same category!??!
Me. A dumb blonde.
If I ever wrote a book I said I would title it Not just a dumb blonde...anymore Since the author thing isn’t working out for me, it will be the title of my first blog instead.
I have always been the girl who wants everyone to love me, no matter what the circumstances may be. I felt like if i acted like a dumb blonde, others would feel smarter around me and like me more. For years i have acted like a dumb blonde even when in actuality i wasn’t even having a dumb blonde moment.
I am actually pretty intelligent, I skipped first grade because I was testing much more advance for my age. I graduated and went off to college at 17. I was terrified to ever tell anyone though, because i was scared they wouldn’t like me if they knew i was smart, or they might think of me differently.
Who does that!??? Me. A dumb blonde.
I also wanted to “fix” people, specifically boys. In high school I picked the worst of the worst when it came to guys. They would be the players, the party boys, the never settle down kind of boys. And the worse they treated me, the more I loved them. I was determined I would be the one to make them settle down. BOY, was I wrong!! I have cried enough tears to fill up the grand canyon, and 90% of those tears were over people that didn't matter. I wanted them to love me so much, I would spend HOURS getting ready every night.
Brandon and I have been together for about 7 years, and when we first started dating the thought of him seeing me without makeup was absolutely terrifying. I would sleep in my makeup, wake up with eyeliner and mascara all down my face, and zits because I didn't take my makeup off. Then I would just apply more makeup on top of the zits to cover them up. I would rather have a face full of zits I can cover up than take the risk of exposing my actual face without makeup.
Who does that!?? Me. A dumb blonde.
I even learned how to do my makeup where it would look "natural" and where it looked like I didn't have any makeup on, but in reality I spent 45 minutes caking on makeup to look like I didn't have any makeup on.
Who does that??! Me. A dumb blonde.
I would rehearse things in my head to say, so I didn’t say anything stupid. In high school, I can even remember praying one night begging God to “Please let him want to hang out with me and pick me to hangout with this weekend instead of her.”
Who does that!?? Me. A dumb blonde. (FYI- if you have to pray and beg God that a boy picks you, instead of other girls he’s also talking to, he probably isn’t the one for you!)
I would defend the guys every single time though, I would end up hating girls I have never even met because I was intimidated by them.
Who does that?! Me. A dumb blonde.
Up until this past year or 2, i haven’t had an opinion about anything. Whether it’s what I want to eat, how I want to decorate the house, even when asked “how much money do you want to make” I responded, i don’t know. If someone asks me to what i want to eat, in my head I might be saying “pizza pizza pizza” but if they suggest “kale salads” I would say “sounds fabulous” even if it sounds absolutely awful to me, the thought of them feeling like I don’t like their suggestion makes me want to cry.
Who does that!? Me. A dumb blonde.
Once I finally started gaining confidence in myself, I gained 20 pounds. Seriously. Haha. But the strange thing is, I feel so much more secure now than I did before. I bought a bunch of one piece bathing suits and ate my pizza and donuts with a happy, secure heart.
** If you are a female and don't own a one piece I HIGHLY recommend it. I know, I know..I swore I would never wear a one piece until I was like 60, but my goodness, I have been missing out!! Do I have a 6 pack of abs, or a 6 pack of jelly donuts under that one piece?! No one knows and it's magical!!**
I look back at pictures and want to punch myself because I thought I was so ugly and fat, when I was 18 and 100 pounds. I always thought if I could just lose 5 more pounds I would feel pretty, maybe if my boobs were bigger that would definitely make me beautiful, or maybe if my teeth were whiter and straighter-that would be the real key to my inner happiness. So I did all of those things, but still, I had nothing but the same insecurities with a smaller belly, bigger boobs, and whiter teeth.
Who does that!? Me. A dumb blonde.
I say all of this, because even though I may have countless dumb blonde moments throughout every single day, that does not define my life. It has taken me 28 years to realize I am ENOUGH. I am SMART. I am WORTHY. It’s ok to have an opinion that is different from someone else. I wish all of MY insecurities didn’t affect so much of my life, it hurt no one but myself and the relationships in my life. If nothing else, I hope you know that YOU are ENOUGH. YOU are SMART. YOU can change the world because you were BORN to CHANGE THE WORLD.
Chase your dreams, and dream big. Make your own happiness. Love the life you are living. You were born for greatness!!!
When I started Live Love Nashville, I was TERRIFIED that no one would support me or believe in my vision. I was so nervous I almost didn’t go through with it. Looking back, if i had let my insecurities consume me the 10,000 people I’ve helped wouldn’t have received it. Instead of being scared, I took a leap of faith and stopped being scared of everyone else’s opinions and started believing in myself and it landed me on the Ellen show but that’s an entire different story for a different day!! I am here to say ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE.
One last thing, I’m actually a dumb blonde that pays $120 every 8 weeks to be a blonde. Really, I’m just a dumb brunette.
Love love love xoxo Tay