I’m planning a wedding!!! YAY. Finally.
But when I think about choosing bridesmaids, suddenly I get all kinds of anxiety.
Have y’all seen the movie 27 dresses with Katherine Heigl?! Her character has been in 27 weddings as a brides maid, but she has never been a bride. It’s a really cute comedy.
My experience is a little different. I’ve been to about 40 weddings over the past 5 years, but only once have I been a bridesmaid.
I feel like an outsider would say that I have TONS of friends, because I always have something going on in my life. However, now that I’m starting to plan a wedding of my own, I have no idea who my maid of honor would be, or even bridesmaids. Because the truth is...I don’t have close friends, anymore.
I could make a 500 person guest list, easy Peasy. I have tons of people to invite and that I love, but none that I am super close with. I have so many acquaintances, but no one that I call on a regular basis just to talk. No one that I talk to about heavy things. No one I cry to if I have a horrible day.
Why?! I love the people in my life, I have a great time when I am around them.
I work with tons of women, and get along great with most of them. I actually spend just as much time with them at work as I do with my family. If I had to pick the people I am closest with right now, it would be my work family. It’s so hard for me to let people see me as anything but happy, but lets be real..my work family has for sure seen me under stress.
The only people I truly open up with are: Brandon, my kids, and my family. Is that normal? When you grow up, you don’t have friends anymore? Is it my fault? Am I not likeable anymore, do I work too much, do I not put in enough effort for friends?!
In elementary school I had three best friends. I knew Kelsey from preschool, I played softball with Heather, and Alyssa lived in my neighborhood.
My poor dad took us to see *NSYNC, Britney Spears, and Spice Girls. I just KNEW we would be best friends forever, and they would all be my maids of honor. I even had it planned out, we would all live in the same neighborhood and have kids at the same time and then our kids would be best friends, too.
By middle school we had already drifted some, and now I couldn’t even tell you Kelsey or Alyssa’s phone numbers. I still talk to Heather occasionally, Addi and I were in her wedding(the only time i’ve been a bridesmaid.)
When I was in middle school, I had a new BEST friend, Lauren. We did everything together. Went on trips together, were always at each other’s house or on the phone. We were constantly writing each other notes every day at school, and I just new we would be best friends FOREVER. We even looked like sisters.
Well, I was mistaken again. I only run into her a few times a year now, in passing. By Junior year of high school, we had already drifted. I went down a bit of a wild path, and she did not.
While I was going down my wild streak, that’s when I met Ali.
She was my BEST friend. I told my parents I spent the night with her EVERY SINGLE NIGHT for 2 summers straight. Only part of that was true though, I was always with Ali… but we never spent the night at her house. I finally got caught when my mom ran into Ali’s mom, and they figured out we were both lying. Oopsies. Ali loved me, NO MATTER WHAT. I could tell her EVERYTHING, even if I did something horrible, she still loved me the same. Then i went away to college at UT and Ali stayed in Hendersonville, suddenly we just stopped talking. There were 2 girls that Ali hated, so naturally as her best friend, I had the same dislike for them, even though I didn’t even know them. Flash forward to today, I don’t even see or talk to Ali, but I talk to the 2 girls I once hated on a pretty regular basis.
I was only away in Knoxville for a year before I found out I was pregnant with Addi. And guess who threw me my baby shower?! My friend Lauren…from middle school! Even though we weren’t close anymore, she went out of her way to show me how much she truly cared.
Do y’all think the saying is true, “when you have a baby you find out who your true friends are?” I say yes, and no. I was one of the first of my friends to have a baby. So naturally, we didn’t have a lot in common anymore and kinda lost touch. All of my friends were in Panama City on spring break when I was at the hospital in labor with Addi, haha. If I had been older, or if my friends also had kids, I’m not sure that we would have lost touch.
When I had Aidyn, more of my friends had children, but to this day I still rarely bring my kids around my friends kids. Why is that?!! I honestly don’t know, I’m becoming more and more of a homebody and enjoy my quality time with my kids, so maybe that’s part of it.
I want more quality friendships. I think I need that in my life, everyone needs that. I have this constant battle in my head saying things like “I don’t fit in with girls who don’t have kids, I don’t fit in with the stay at home moms, I don’t fit in with the super fit girls. I just don’t fit in.”
So where do I fit in?!! Who are my people? I am so thankful for my family and Brandon, they are my people. They see the raw-real me, and love me the same.
I am doing a new project called #100drinks with a purpose. I am taking 100 people on a date or out for a drink and the goal is that I will build more quality relationships with people, and start having more than just surface conversations about nothing. I would love for you to be a part of it! Please let me know if you would be interested.
Love love love Xoxo Tay